Monday, May 28, 2012
did my first restoration in a real patient today! it was freaky and stressful omg. ): hope my patient was ok with it (: feeling v inadequate as usual. heh. that's the thing about dental sch omg, it destroys your ego to the point that you can come up with all sorts of criticism about yourself, without anyone having to point it out to you ): now i'm gonna start believing that every bit of work i do is not good enough... a teeny bit of the perfectionism disease is getting to me alr i think ):
i also realise i like taking things apart more than putting them back together. another reason why restorative dentistry doesn't suit me oops.
on another note(haha pun not intended!) i really do enjoy piano accompaniment pracs after sch even though i'm always dead tired after sch ): i feel like my soul can get some release after being permanently stifled. i think the 2nd movt of Bach's double violin concerto is beautiful ((: it's so breathtakingly calm and peaceful and melodious ((: the sort of piece that makes my soul feel like it's soaring hah (so abstract, but i really can't think of a better way to put it)
hmmm i wonder what it would feel like if my soul left my body? maybe i'd just be an empty shell with vacant eyes and all. a bit like a dead body hahaha (:
Saturday, May 19, 2012
yay joyce just told me that she won honorary mention in a russian essay writing contest hehe, and she wrote about me for the topic on friendship! :D wow! ((: i feel super honoured and touched (: it's so heartwarming to know that someone out there cares about me and thinks about me, even though we've been on different continents for the last 4 - 5 years, and prob for the next 8 years to come. really treasure our friendship omg, it's really amazing that we've been friends for 10 years already ((:
these days a lot of shit happens in school, but i'm really glad that i still have such rare but sweet moments to cheer me up (: really keeps me going (:
i think i'm performing for another event in june, at esplanade concourse (: playing piano accompaniment with grace! :D again, it's nice to feel so valued ((: and i'm so grateful for the opportunity too. (: these days, life gets really meaningless, and i really do need something to hold on to. I need to start believing in myself again, and start believing and trusting in people (that part is going to be difficult), trust in the saying that "time heals all wounds", and a lot more other things.
i guess it's always nice to look to the future, instead of living in the past all the time, like what i tend to do. i think that in the future, i'll prob try my best to retire early haha. and i'll migrate to germany! (yay! (: ) or maybe some countryside area in uk or spain or aussie or canada, hehe i'm still madly in love with the idea of living in a quaint little cottage in an area with sprawling foliage and beautiful trees.(esp the deciduous ones omg) and NICE WEATHER. haha :D
sometimes i wonder if it's just me, or are all humans in general very discontented with their lives? i feel like since the age of 19 i've been walking down this neverending road of regret and broken dreams haha. "choice" is a really ugly word sometimes, cos when you make the wrong choice, life is just gonna come and slap you in the face. every freaking moment of every freaking day. i'm waiting for the day when i can remedy the situation, but it's taking ages to come. but if all goes well, my next chance should be in about 5, maybe 6 years time? and i'm gonna do all i can to steer my life around. (:
one thing that comforts me: i think i'm starting to be immune to failures. haha i think this is a good but kinda sad thing. good cos it's gonna help me cope all the way through dental sch. sad because it makes me feel like i'm deteriorating so much that i've just decided to accept it as a permanent fixture in life. well done haha.
i know a lot of people out there believe everything in life happens for a purpose. i don't know why this is happening to me really. God, are you doing this cos you think i was so arrogant and thought i was bloody brilliant before or sth, and now you're trying to teach me humility? because you're not really helping me at all. i was always humble to start with, i never bragged to anyone about what i could do, or what i'd achieved at all. and now you're just destroying my self -confidence, like how people destroy unwanted documents -- tearing the papers to small pieces first, and then putting it in the shredder, until they're finally returned to nothingness. Or maybe you're doing this cos you want to make me stronger? I, who have always been so strong that i have never cried in public before except on 2 occasions for which i have a really good excuse for. I, who have always felt the need to hide my true emotions from people so no one will ever know what i'm thinking. you think i'm not strong enough? seriously? and by the way this is not helping either. what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. but guess what, this IS killing me. so instead of killing me softly and slowly, why don't you just take me in my sleep?! or take me on the road or sth so i can just die quickly under the wheels of a lorry -.-
Monday, May 07, 2012
all these feelings of inadequacy come so often; it can really be super discouraging sometimes. and it's true that curiosity killed the cat... next time i shall stop poking my nose into things that shouldn't bother me anymore, cos it only brings on an unwanted flood of emotions that i never really asked for in the first place.
On another note, clinics is killing me haha. I HATE PAPERWORK TTM. my brain is now partially dead, and the other part that is still alive, is freaking confused and messed up, PLUS emo to a certain extent. well done omg. looking forward to lab days forever more! (: [never thought this day would come, but yeahh suddenly being a lab tech seems pretty attractive (: ]
i think i'm pretty messed up sometimes. haha. k actually, i AM a mess. whatever haha D:
Sunday, May 06, 2012
today i am confused, and sluggish, and ... sian. and i wish for a moment that i didnt have to exist in this world. I thought i was doing nicely; i made a little glass house for myself to live in so i could just sit in there and quietly observe the going-ons around me and just.. recover and heal. But then, something today just shattered my little glass house. D: i'm so confused... ):
I don't want to go back to being the dark self that i was, for the past year. i keep forcing myself to be optimistic, but i don't know where the old optimism has gone. what is happening to me, seriously?!
There is this hymn, On Eagles Wings, that's really beautiful haha, i just listened to it today. Well i do hope that one day this eagle will find me lol cos some days i'm just falling and falling and I don't know where or when to land.
